


Pressure Pushing Down On Me

by pineapplesandcanopeners



Series: Under Pressure [1]
Category: The Breakfast Club (1985)
Genre: College, Friendship, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Romance, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-20 00:38:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3630162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pineapplesandcanopeners/pseuds/pineapplesandcanopeners
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Brian ends up going to Andy's college, Andy is surprised by how much Brian has changed since detention. But somehow they're able to pick up where they left off.</p><p>Well, not EXACTLY where they left off. Because Andy's changed a lot too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pressure Pushing Down On Me

“What do you think, Andy?”

Andy jumped about a mile. Shit. He’d been doing it again, and this time they noticed. “What do I think about what?” he asked as casually as possible.

“That guy over there. Do you think he’s one of ours, or the football team’s?” The relief that flooded over Andy was so strong it was almost overwhelming. His teammates had noticed that this guy had an athlete’s build, but they hadn’t noticed his broad shoulders, his small waist… and they hadn’t noticed Andy noticing them.

Andy shrugged. “I don’t know, could be either.”

“Well, if he’s here for wresting we could let him sit with us, get to know him a little before practice tomorrow,” Sam suggested. “Someone should go ask him.”

Andy felt a heavy hand on his shoulder. “Clark here can go,” Derek generously offered. “He’s the only one who doesn’t have food yet.”

Andy really didn’t want to be the one to go talk to the stranger he had just been staring at, and he didn’t even really want to eat, since his stomach was tied in giant knots. But more than that, he didn’t want the guys to realize that the idea of getting up to talk to this guy made his knees feel weak, so he stood up, and plastered a giant fake smile on his face as soon as no one at the table could see him.

Andy grabbed himself a tray, and slid over next to the guy, who was reaching for one of the big spoons at the buffet line. “I’d avoid the meatloaf if I were you. The top half is like, all ketchup.”

The guy chuckled. “I’ll keep that in mind,” he said, turning to Andy with a smile that soon fell off his face. He just stood there, staring at Andy. Andy panicked. Did he know? How could he possibly know?

Andy tried to smile again, but it was even more fake this time. “Hey, I’m Andy,” he said, awkwardly shoving his hand towards the guy to shake.

“Yeah. Hey,” he grunted, turning back to the food.

“So are you here for football, or wrestling?” Andy prodded, maybe a little too desperately.

“Neither. The engineers have their own orientation a week early.”

“Engineering? Wow, that’s impressive,” Andy gushed. Be cool, man. “Well, did you do any sports in high school?”

“Uh, no,” the guy laughed angrily. What was up with him?

“Well, we could always use guys on the wresting team. We have open tryouts this Friday.”

“Yeah, not interested. Sorry.” He started to walk away.

Andy reached forward to stop him, but caught himself. “Well, if you change your mind, I’m sure you’ll see me around.” The guy paused for a moment, so Andy kept talking. “I didn’t catch your name.”

The guy turned towards Andy, and gave him a venomous look. “It’s Brian. Brian Johnson.”

“Wait, I know a Brian Johnson. Did we go to high school together?”

“Yeah,” the guy… Brian, said, looking a little more hopeful for a second, until he realized that Andy was still confused. “Detention?”

Andy was only in detention once, and he had never talked to his friends about it, so how did he know, unless… “Oh my God. Brian? But you…”

“Yeah, I grew a bit.”

“Oh man, Brian! It’s so good to see you! How have you been?”

“Uh, look, I’m not really interested in wrestling, and someone is waiting for me. I’ll see you around, I guess.” Andy was left standing alone by the cash register. He grabbed an apple and a Coke just to save face, and headed back to the table.

The knots in his stomach tightened. It was clear that Brian hated him, but he couldn’t decide if it was because he hadn’t recognized him right away, or because of what had happened, or rather hadn’t happened, between them in high school. Brian was the one who had been worried that they wouldn’t still acknowledge each other after that day, and Andy let him down. Sure, he had said hi to him for a while, nodded at him in the hall, but eventually he stopped seeing him. Made sure he didn’t see him. God, he was such a dick back then.

Andy took his seat at the table, and took a bite of his apple that he could barely swallow.

“So, what, is he football then?” Derek asked.

“Uh, no, he’s actually not here for sports,” Andy mumbled.

“Well, then we have to get him for the wrestling team!” Sam said.

“Look, I knew him in high school,” Andy said. “He’s not the right guy for it.”

“Wait, you knew him?” Derek asked. “C’mon, you have to get him to come to tryouts.”

“Yeah,” Sam laughed. “You should like, woo him or something.”

“Yeah, woo him!” Woo him. What a damn poor choice of words.

…

Andy had never been to the science quad before. He never had any reason to be there, but here he was, sitting on the ground pulling up pieces of grass at the bottom of the statue of some guy with long hair.

Figuring out what time the engineering orientation was done for the day hadn’t been easy, which was probably why he had been there for almost an hour and still hadn’t seen Brian. At least it had given him time to think, although that wasn’t necessarily a good thing. If his teammates realized that Andy might find the guy they asked him to stalk attractive… well, they probably wouldn’t find it very funny actually. It wasn’t funny. He was acting like some kind of faggot, and there’s no way they would be okay with that.

It’s not like he thought about guys all the time, but it was happening more and more often. And now he was thinking about Brian Johnson? It all should have stopped last night, as soon as he realized that the guy he was staring at wasn’t just some stranger, but Brian Johnson. But honestly, it just got worse. He ended up spending half the night tossing and turning, because he couldn’t stop imagining Brian’s chest, and his shoulders, and imagining his hands running over them…

The front door of the building behind him opened, and a large group of students poured out. Andy didn’t know if Brian was in the group, so he rushed to his feet, wiped the blades of grass off of his pants, and tried to act as if he wasn’t looking for Brian, even though he totally was.

“Andrew Clark.” Andy turned around and saw Brian practically glaring at him. “Fancy seeing you here…”

Andy cleared his throat. “Oh, yeah, sometimes I like to walk through here. Helps me think.”

“Think. Right,” Brian scoffed. Andy wanted to be offended, but Brian was already walking away.

He started jogging a little to catch up. “So where are you headed?”

Brian looked at him out of the corner of his eye, but kept walking. “Uh, back to my dorm room.”

“Oh. Do you have a roommate?” Andy asked. Ugh, what kind of question was that?

“What, did you want to go make out or something?” Brian laughed.

Andy chuckled half-heartedly, but oh God was he blushing. “No. I was just trying to make conversation.”

Brian turned around and gave him the same hateful look that he had given Andy last night. “What do you want, Andy?”

“Well, I was hoping that I could…” Andy started, but he decided that begging Brian to try out for wrestling was only going to make things way, way worse. “Look, my teammates wanted me to find you because they thought I could convince you to come to tryouts on Friday, but I don’t want to do that.”

“Oh, you don’t?” Brian asked, incredulous.

“No,” Andy answered timidly. “I wanted to… to apologize to you. I’m sorry that I didn’t recognize you yesterday, although to be fair, you look completely different, but still, you’ve got the same eyes… um, you know, and face.” Andy looked nervously at Brian, sure that he had said too much already. But Brian was still listening, so he kept going. “But I’m really sorry that I stopped saying hi to you in high school. I know it was really important to you, and at the time I meant it when I said I wouldn’t forget, but I did, and that was really shitty. And I promise I never spoke badly about you behind your back, but I’m sorry because what I did was almost as bad. I never talked about you at all.”

Brian looked at him thoughtfully for a second. “Okay.”

“Okay, you’ll try out for wresting?”

Brian laughed, and then smiled at Andy for the first time since high school. “Uh, no. Okay, I accept your apology.”Andy laughed in relief. It wasn’t the answer he was supposed to be getting from Brian, but this was… better. Andy wanted to say something more, but he didn’t know what. Just as he was about to give up and say goodbye, Brian spoke up. “I don’t know if you have anything to do, but if you want I could use a hand rearranging the furniture before my roommate arrives tomorrow.”

“No, I’m free. That sounds nice.”

…

“You’re right. The room feels way more open now.”

“I know. It took my roommate and I at least a semester to figure this set up out.” Andy stared up at the ceiling, looking for constellations in the dots in the tiles. His cheek felt hot, like he could feel Brian looking at him from across the room. Maybe he shouldn’t have collapsed onto Brian’s bed when they finished moving the furniture. When he first got to Brian’s room he had been so nervous that his whole body stiffened whenever Brian was near him. But after they started moving stuff they fell into this comfortable place of talking and joking around with each other and everything just loosened up. So when Brian took the seat at the desk chair and told Andy to make himself comfortable, well, he did.

“But you have a single now?” Brian asked. Andy shifted so that he could see Brian’s face so he could figure out if he was hinting at anything. He was sitting backwards in his chair, which put him in the perfect position for Andy to look right in his eyes for clues. But it looked like he was just asking.

“Yeah,” Andy said, trying to hide his disappointment, and wishing that he wasn’t disappointed.

“Do most sophomores live alone?” Brian asked.

Andy tried to tell himself that Brian was just curious because next year he’d be a sophomore, but the knots in Andy’s stomach tightened at the idea that Brian was actually interested in his life. Or interested him as something more than a friend. “No. I was supposed to be living with my old roommate, but I convinced them to give me a single when that fell through.”

Brian’s eyes looked far away for a second, like he was trying to figure out what “fell through” might mean. “Did you guys fight or something?”

Fighting he could have handled. Fighting was something he had done his whole life, and it definitely made leaving easier. “No, he transferred colleges.”

“Oh. I’m sorry,” Brian said softly.

“Yeah,” Andy sighed. Brian rested his head on his arms, so Andy turned back to the ceiling again.

“Were you close?”

“Not close, exactly. We just fit really well. We could always find something to talk about. But there were things I could never tell him.” He was glad he wasn’t looking at Brian anymore, because he was sure his face would give too much away.

“What kind of things?” Brian asked in a way that dug into Andy, made him turn his head and look right into Brian’s eyes.

Things like how he wanted to walk over to Brian and take his face between his hands and press their lips together. “The things I told you guys in detention.” That was true, too. “It wasn’t that hard to keep from him. My dad won’t even come for Parent’s Weekend.”

“Oh,” Brian said in that same quiet voice. Andy wished that Brian would stop giving him such a sad look. He hadn’t said it because he wanted him to feel sorry for him. “So how is wrestling?”

Andy smiled. “It’s nice. The guys on the team are so great.” So what if Brian was really obviously trying to change the subject? It was something he actually liked talking about.

Brian seemed unsure. “Is it better than it was in high school?” Right, because the only version of Andy that Brian knew was the one that felt completely buried by his father and his coach.

Andy thought about it for a second. “Yeah. It really is. Cause I’m not the best anymore. There’s this junior on the team, my friend Derek. He was New York’s state champ in ’83, and he’s like… amazing.  And at first that was terrifying, but then I realized that so much of that pressure from high school is off now. So it’s actually fun again.”

“Do you guys still wear tights?” Brian asked, holding back a laugh.

“They’re not tights!” Andy protested, “But yes, we do.”

“Aw, too bad. I was just about to say I would come to tryouts on Friday,” Brian said with a wink. An actual goddamn wink.

“Really?” Andy asked, for once not caring if he seemed too eager.

“Yeah, it sounds like it could be fun. And being friends with Andy Clark can’t be the only new thing I try this week.”

…

Even though Brian had promised him that he was serious about trying out for wrestling, Andy couldn’t help but worry when it was five minutes until the time Coach wanted them to be there and Brian still hadn’t showed up. Andy hadn’t told any of the other guys that he had gotten Brian to agree to come to try outs so he wouldn’t be humiliated if Brian never showed. Still, he would know, and he would feel like an idiot for thinking that someone might actually want to do something because _he_ asked, because they wanted to spend time with him.

Andy played with his shoelaces as he sat on the floor, untying and retying them. He kept thinking that he was completely convinced that Brian wasn’t coming, but then another second would pass and he’d realize that he must have had a little bit of hope left because now he really truly felt hopeless. Andy started to feel nauseous, so put his head between his knees and tried to breathe slowly.

“Hey, Andy,” Brian said, out of nowhere, as he nudged Andy’s foot with his toe.

Andy let out a giant sigh of relief, and lifted his head to look at Brian. “Hey.”

Brian gave him a concerned look. “Dude, are you okay?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m just a little nauseous.” He didn’t have to tell him why.

“Aw, that sucks, man,” Brian shrugged with his hands in his pockets. “Anyway, sorry I’m late. My mom called and I kind of lost track of time.”

“Must be nice.” Andy muttered. He looked up, and saw Brian staring at him, surprised and maybe a little upset.  “Oh, God, I didn’t mean… I’m sorry, Brian.”

 Brian shook his head. “No. No, I didn’t think… I’m sorry, dude. I knew what you meant.” Brian looked at Andy with heavy eyes for a moment, then offered him a hand to help him off the floor.

“Thanks,” Andy said, looking at the floor as he brushed the dirt off his pants.

“So, how does this work exactly? If they recruit people like you, then why do they need tryouts?” Brian asked.

“Coach will explain it when he gets here, probably better than me,” Andy said, “but basically there’s two levels, or tiers, or whatever. And the first tier is people who were recruited, and the ones who have been on the team before, while the second tier is for beginners. It’s more like doing one of the club sports. So we won’t have to compete against each other.”

Brian looked worried. “Does that mean we won’t have practice together?”

“Oh, no, we will. And if you’re really good you’ll get moved up next year.”

“Ha, yeah, if I even make it…” Brian gave him a small, sweet, self-deprecating smile.

“Well, you’ve been working out, right? Where did this come from?” Andy placed his hand on Brian’s bicep for a moment, then yanked it away when he realized what he was doing.

Brian blushed. Andy wanted to touch his cheeks with his fingertips, see if they felt hot. “I’ve been running,” Brian answered. “Lifting some weights sometimes.”

“Oh, then you’ll be fine,” Andy said, pulling his eyes away from Brian to look at the door where Coach was walking in.

“Hello everyone,” Coach said in his booming voice. “Thank you guys for coming. We’re gonna try to get this done as quickly as possible, so I need the guys who came to help out to come over here so we can get started.”

Andy turned to Brian. “Good luck.” He wanted so badly to reach out for Brian’s hand and grasp his fingers, but instead he shoved his hands deep into his pockets as he walked across the room.

…

“We need to do something to celebrate!”

Andy looked over at Brian. He was positively beaming. Like there were actual rays of sun coming from his face. It was blinding. “You weren’t even sure you wanted to wrestle, like, yesterday.”

“I know, but, Andy…” Brian grabbed Andy’s shoulder and looked him deep in the eyes. “I’ve never done anything like this before! In my whole life!” Brian was close enough that he could see the beads of water dripping onto his forehead from his wet hair, close enough that he could smell his shampoo.

Andy swallowed hard. “Well, what did you have in mind?” He started to imagine them celebrating in Andy’s room with a couple of beers, listening to music, until Andy leaned over to taste Brian’s bitter, alcohol soaked lips.

“Have you seen Teen Wolf?” Brian interrupted, startling Andy out of his fantasy.

“What?”

“It’s a Michael J. Fox movie. I haven’t seen it yet. We could go.” Brian said.

“Oh. Yeah. I mean, okay. I like Michael J. Fox.” Andy smiled.

“Family Ties?” Brian asked.

Andy shook his head. “No. I mean, yeah. But also Back to the Future.”

Brian stopped walking again. “You saw Back to the Future? It wasn’t too lame for you?”

Andy wasn’t sure if he should be insulted. “No. It was funny.”

Brian smiled. “Well then you should like this one too.” Then he grasped Andy’s sleeve just above the wrist and started pulling him towards the lot where Andy kept his car.

Andy loved their little college town. It was a hell of a lot better than Shermer, at least. But the movie theater in town had gone out of business at the end of his freshman year, and no one had bought it yet. The nearest theater was twenty minutes away. Andy’s radio started playing when they got in the car, so they just sat there listening, until Brian said “You can sing along, you know.”

“Huh?”

“You were mouthing the words,” Brian said. “It’s okay though, I won’t make fun of you.”

Andy shrugged. “I have a really bad singing voice.”

“Aw, come on! It can’t be that bad.” As if to prove his point, Brian turned up the radio and started singing the chorus along with Madonna. “Get into the groove! Boy you’ve got to prove your love to meee!” Andy felt a lump rise up in his throat when Brian pointed to him, and then back to himself, but he swallowed it and tried to sing along.

A couple songs later they arrived at the movie theater. Andy wanted to pay for Brian’s ticket as a way to _say congratulations, and thanks for doing this with me, we’re gonna have so much fun together_ , but Brian handed his money to the cashier before Andy had a chance to offer, so he bought them two cokes and a popcorn to share instead. Brian found them two perfect seats right in the middle of the theater.

The movie was pretty funny, and Andy was glad Brian suggested it, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how close Brian was sitting, how easy it would be to stretch and put his arm around Brian’s shoulder like they were on a date. A couple of times, they grabbed for the popcorn at the same time, Andy’s knuckles brushing up against Brian’s. It sent sparks up Andy’s arm but Brian barely seemed to notice. Eventually Andy lost track of the movie, and just watched Brian eating. He would grab a whole handful of popcorn but then eat it one kernel at a time. Andy imagined that there little grains of salt clinging to Brian’s lips, and wondered what it would be like to lick them off.

Then Brian noticed him staring. “Is there… is something wrong?” Brian asked in a whisper.

Andy was grateful for the dim lighting of the theater, because his whole face was hot and red, but he leaned in a little closer so that Brian could hear him, until his lips were almost touching Brian’s ear. “No, I was just… I was wondering if you were secretly a werewolf. That would explain a lot.”

Brian laughed so hard that he snorted. There were tears coming out of the corners of his eyes. Andy just smiled… and then sighed. It was becoming abundantly clear that Brian was going to be his friend for good, which was great, because Andy really needed a good friend, but it also meant that Andy would have to start thinking of him as just that; a friend and nothing more.

…

The “just seeing Brian as a friend,” thing was going well… for the most part. At least he got the friend thing down. The two of them were together all the time; eating meals in the dining hall, or at wrestling practice, and they would spend almost every second of free time in one of their rooms, studying or talking or just listening to music. Usually it was Andy’s room, unless Brian knew that his roommate wasn’t home. Andy had to bite back the fear that it was because Brian was embarrassed of him and didn’t want them to meet.

Andy had never enjoyed being around another person this much before. There were a few things that had changed about Brian from high school, like his body, obviously, or the way he never stumbled over his words anymore but just said what he meant, as if telling Vernon off in their letter had made him realize it was okay to speak his mind. But he was still pretty much the same guy Andy remembered from detention. Brian was smart, and kind, and funny as hell. Every time Brian said something funny, which was pretty much all the time, Andy laughed so hard that his stomach hurt and there were tears streaming down his face. He remembered Brian making him laugh like that in detention, but he had always assumed it was just the magic of that day. It wasn’t. It was just Brian. In those moments, Andy just wanted to be around Brian so that he could keep making him laugh, nothing more.

But there were other moments when he couldn’t ignore the other thing. Like when Brian rubbed his neck whenever he was studying and stuck on a sentence he didn’t understand, or when he chewed on his lip before every practice because it still made him nervous. Or worst of all when they were walking together around campus. Andy knew that even the old Brian would have gotten attention in college, but there was something about him now that Andy didn’t understand. Almost every girl they passed would stare at him and smile, and usually Brian would respond with a head nod or a “Hey.” Andy tried to pretend that the pangs of jealousy that he felt were because Brian was getting the attention instead of him, but he knew that wasn’t true.

Not everything in Andy’s life was coming quite as easy as spending time with Brian. He didn’t like to think about it, but he was a sophomore who still hadn’t figured out what he wanted to major in. Last year he ignored it by throwing himself into wrestling. This year he threw himself into Brian. Sometimes it was just so hard to concentrate on his work when he didn’t care about it. And when Brian was sitting right there, silently moving his lips as he read his textbooks, sometimes Andy couldn’t remember what he was supposed to be doing at all.

“What are you reading?” Andy asked.

Brian covered his mouth with his hand. “Oh, gosh. Was I doing it again?” Sometimes he would forget that Andy was there and start reading out loud.

Andy smiled. “No, I was just curious.”

“Oh,” Brian said, turning in the desk chair to look at Andy, who was sitting on his bed with the pillows propped behind his back. “It’s this physics concept. It’s really cool. But a little complicated.”

“Well, why don’t you try explaining it to me?” Andy offered.

“Yeah, okay. That’s a good idea,” Brian smiled. He started reading from the book, and then he would lift his head to explain what he just read to Andy.

Andy had no idea what Brian was saying. Sure, there were a few words he recognized from high school science, but more than anything else in high school, science really wasn’t his thing. So he just let Brian’s way too excited voice wash over him, and watched his hands fluttering around.

After a while Brian looked at him and asked “Well? Does that make sense?

Andy laughed. “Honestly, Bri. You could be the smartest person and the best teacher in the world, and I’d still be too dumb to understand what you’re talking about.”

“Did you just call me Bri?”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.” Andy said, biting his lip.

“No, it’s okay. I like it,” Brian said, knitting his brow. “But you’re not dumb, Andy. You just…”

“What? Need to find the thing I’m good at? I’ve already tried. Not all of us can be as lucky as you,” Andy snapped.

Brian looked at him with soft, sad eyes. “No. I was going to say you need to stop seeing yourself the way your father sees you.” Andy felt awful, and his eyes felt wet, but before he could apologize, Brian started talking again. “And I think you’re wrong about me. I’m not lucky. I haven’t found what I’m good at.”

“You’re good at this,” Andy said, gesturing to the book Brian had been reading from.

“I mean, maybe I’m good at it, but I’ve been forcing myself to be good at it for so long that I don’t even know if I _like_ doing it.” Brian got up from his spot at the desk and sat on the opposite end of the bed, looking Andy right in the eye. “Honestly, the only class I’m even enjoying is the English class I’m taking to fulfill my humanities requirement.”

“Well, if that’s what you like doing, don’t you think that’s what you should do?” Andy asked.

Brian looked frustrated, like this was something Andy just couldn’t possibly understand. “Okay, let’s pretend for a second that my parents would be okay with it, which they totally wouldn’t… I mean even if I ignore that, I’m not sure I’m ready to… I mean, in high school, I didn’t play sports, and now I’ve joined the wrestling team, and I look different and people actually approach me, wanting to be my friend or more, and it’s nice but it’s weird and different. But I was always the “brain” in high school, the science geek, and if I throw that away now, it will just feel like…”

“Like everything about you has changed,” Andy finished.

“Like there isn’t any part of me that’s actually me anymore,” Brian agreed, crashing down on the bed. He lay like that for a while, staring at the ceiling while Andy stared at him. Eventually, he sighed. “Oh, Andy. What am I gonna do?”

Andy had been asking himself that same question since Brian had come back into his life. “I don’t know, Bri. I just don’t know.” He hadn’t meant for that to come out so earnestly, but Brian turned and smiled at him, so maybe it was okay.

…

Brian was getting really good at wrestling. It seemed to come pretty naturally to him. It had only been a couple of weeks but Andy was already pretty confident that Brian would win his first match. Andy hadn’t actually wrestled Brian himself, though. Coach had a policy of randomly pairing people together so that it wouldn’t just be people wrestling their best friend every day. He still hadn’t been paired with Brian, which bothered Brian a lot more than it bothered him.

“I can’t believe we still haven’t been paired together!” Brian said as they walked out of practice. “Maybe next time, huh?”

“Yeah. Maybe next time.” Andy smiled weakly.

They started to head to the door when they were stopped by Coach. “Well if it isn’t the dream team. Great job bringing this one in, Andy.”

Andy smiled. “Yeah, he’s great.”

“Sure is,” Coach nodded towards Brian, who beamed but blushed a little.

“Thanks, Coach.”

“Listen, Andrew, I need to talk to you for a minute,” Coach said.

Andy nodded at Brian to go ahead. “Yeah, Coach, whatsup?”

Coach’s expression became solemn. “Andrew, I’ve noticed that you’ve been babying your knee again.”

Andy swallowed. His knee had been hurting a little more than usual, but he had been trying not to worry about it. “It’s been bothering me a little bit, but I don’t think it will be a problem.”

Coach sighed. “Listen, Son. I understand that physical therapy is a huge pain in the ass, but if you’re not wrestling properly because it hurts, you could make it worse. I’m gonna be keeping an eye on you, and if it doesn’t get better, you’re sitting out for a while.”

Andy’s mind started racing. If he couldn’t wrestle, he’d lose his scholarship. And no scholarship meant no more school. It meant no more Brian. “Yes, Coach. I… I understand.”

Coach nodded. “Alright, Andrew. You’re free to go.”

“Thanks, Coach,” Andy said as he headed out the door. He was surprised to see that Brian was still waiting for him.

“What did Coach want?” Brian asked.

“Oh, uh, nothing,” Andy lied.

“Oh, come on, Andy. It’s not like you to keep things from me.”

Andy looked down at his feet. It really was, though. It was exactly the kind of thing he would do.

…

The end of September came much faster than Andy expected. He had a really big weekend coming up. On Friday he had an exam for his Psychology class, and then their first scrimmage was on Saturday.

Andy was lying on the floor with his notes and textbooks spread out in front of him, and the radio playing in the background. The first hour of studying had gone really well, but he was starting to fade. It felt like he was never going to understand this stuff.

 He didn’t even realize he had fallen asleep until he was startled awake by a knock at the door. “Come on in,” Andy mumbled, his voice still not fully awake yet.

Brian opened the door slowly. “Hey, dude. What are you up to?” Andy didn’t answer, just gestured to the only open spot on the floor where Brian could sit down. Brian picked up one of the textbooks and sat there instead. “Psychology, huh? Your exam is tomorrow?”

“Yep,” Andy said as he put his head back on the floor so he could pretend that there weren’t a month’s worth of notes he needed to be looking over.

Brian didn’t say anything for a while, just paged curiously through Andy’s notes, so Andy didn’t say anything either. He just stared at the carpet and listened to the radio.

“Man, I love this song.” Brian said.

“Well, yeah, everyone loves In the Air Tonight.”

Brian chuckled. “Yeah, I guess that’s true.”

“You know it’s based on a true story?” Andy asked without lifting his head.

“What is?”

 “The part where he talks about someone drowning. Phil Collins actually saw a guy who saw someone drowning and the guy didn’t help them.”

“Where did you hear that?” Brian asked, skeptical.

“I don’t remember.”

“But that doesn’t… make any sense,” Brian said. “If Phil Collins was there, then he would have also seen the person drowning. So, Phil Collins watched a man drown and didn’t do anything?”

Andy laughed. “I never thought about it that way.” Then he lifted his head to look at Brian. “But Turning Japanese is really about masturbating, right?”

“Oh, yeah, totally,” Brian answered matter-of-factly. Andy just looked at him for a second, and then they both started howling with laughter. They laughed long enough that Andy forgot what was even funny in the first place. When neither of them could laugh anymore, Brian said “So now that you’re not throwing yourself a pity party, can I help you with this practice exam?”

Andy didn’t want to do anything but keep laughing with Brian, but he knew he was right. “I guess. But how are you going to help? You don’t take Psychology.”

“Andy, did you even look at this? There’s an answer sheet stapled to the back. I’ll read you the questions, you explain the answers to me, and I’ll tell you if you’re right.” Brian had a way of stating the obvious to Andy without sounding condescending at all.

“Yeah, that makes sense. Of course.” Andy rolled over so that he was staring at the ceiling. “Okay, hit me.”

There were a couple of questions that Andy knew right away, but most of them he had to talk himself through for a while. He didn’t even know if he got them right, since Brian was waiting till the end to tell him.

After about an hour, Brian said “Well, that was the last question.”

“So… did I do okay?” Andy asked nervously.

Brian set down the paper, and Andy braced himself for the worst. “Andy… you’re gonna kick this exam’s ass.”

“Really?” Andy was shocked.

“Look, you got a couple of questions wrong, but I’ve circled them so if you want to look up the answers you can. But honestly, Andy, even if you don’t know those you’re still going to do really, really well. You got this.”

Andy laughed. “Is this what it feels like to be you?” Brian smiled, but it didn’t look like he meant it. Andy didn’t know what to say, so he turned away.  He heard Brian picking up the rest of the notes to find his own spot on the floor. They were both lying on their backs, staring at the ceiling. Andy wasn’t sure how much time passed like that, neither speaking.

“I think we’re really lucky,” Brian said wistfully, breaking their silence.

“How’s that?” Andy asked.

“I mean ‘cause we’re here. We’re not in Shermer.” Brian sighed. “Sometimes I think about Bender, and I wonder if he’s okay. But we’re okay. We’re going to be okay.”

Andy felt a lump rising in his throat, and he almost choked trying to speak. “I don’t know if that’s true, Bri.”

“It is.” Brian said softly, almost in a whisper. “I promise.”

Andy realized that his hand was right next to Brian’s and if he shifted an inch closer their fingertips would touch. But it felt like the gravity in the room had doubled and he couldn’t move at all.

…

Even though their meet was only a scrimmage, and just one day, they had to leave before six in the morning in order to get the other school by eight.

Brian seemed like he was probably a morning person in high school, but like pretty much everyone else, once he got to college he became a “sleep ‘till ten, or eleven… or noon” kind of guy. Andy tried to make weak conversation with him on the bus, mostly about the exam he had taken the day before, but Brian fell asleep after only ten minutes.

Andy almost never let himself just stare at Brian anymore, but he couldn’t help it this time, because Brian just looked so damn adorable, leaning against the window with his eyes closed and his mouth slightly opened. When Brian was sleeping, it was like the last two years peeled away. Andy could still see that fragile, nervous kid that he hung out with in detention. Andy wished could go back in time to that year, and make himself be friends with that kid. He wished that he could go back to that moment when they were sitting next to each other in the library, laughing about Brian’s dumb ID, and take his hand. Or kiss him. He wished that he could wake Brian up right now and tell him exactly how he was feeling.

Brian shifted in his sleep and fell towards Andy’s shoulder. Andy froze. He didn’t want to wake Brian up, but he also didn’t want anyone to notice Brian falling asleep on him. He could just imagine what the guys would say. “Hey look! Andy and Brian are sleeping together. What a couple of faggots.” Andy’s fingers twitched nervously.

Sam tapped him on the shoulder from across the aisle, and it took everything Andy had not to jump, and accidently wake Brian in the process. “Yo. Is Johnson sleeping?” he asked in a whisper.

“Yeah, and?” Andy snapped. “He works his fucking ass off in his classes, of course he’s tired.

Fuck. He just made things a thousand times worse. All he could do was sit there and wait for Sam to start yelling, “Hey, look at Andy defending his girlfriend!”

But Sam just laughed. “Nah, man. I wish I could sleep on the bus.”

Andy smiled weakly. His friends were better than he was in high school. His friends were better than he was now. His friends were better than his father.

His friends were better than his father.

Brian turned back towards the window. Andy breathed a sigh of relief since he could finally move, but then he realized that he already missed the warmth of Brian’s breath on his neck.

…

Later that evening, they were celebrating in a way that actually made sense to Andy. He and Brian were sitting on his floor with an empty six pack between them, and the last two bottles half full in their hands.

“Man, you were so amazing today.” Andy must have said that a hundred times already, but he just had to say it again.

Brian smiled. “I keep telling you, that other guy was a beginner too.”

“No, he was definitely an expert.” Andy said. “An expert at sucking.”

Brian lost it. He doubled over in startled laughter, spilling most of the rest of his beer on the floor. “Oh, shit! I’m sorry, Andy.”

“It’s okay. There’s some paper towels to your left.”

“In here?” Brian asked, grabbing a plastic bag off the floor.

“No, I’ll get them for you.” Andy got up and grabbed the paper towels. He almost started to clean up the floor, but then he realized that Brian also spilled some beer on his pants, so he just handed them to Brian and sat back down.

Brian dried the floor, then grabbed the bag again. “What’s this?” he said, pulling out a magazine.

Andy blushed. He had gone to the drug store to pick up some extra tape for his knee before the scrimmage, and he had picked up some men’s fitness magazines while he was there. He hadn’t expected anyone to find them. “Um… just some magazines I like to read sometimes.”

“Good fitness tips?” Brian asked.

“Uh, yeah.” That’s what Andy used to tell himself, at least, until the first time he jerked off to one. At least it hadn’t been one of those other magazines. The ones in the plastic that Andy wanted so badly to buy, to see what was between the pages. If he had actually had the nerve to buy one, and Brian had found it, he would have died of embarrassment.

“Well, maybe I can borrow it sometime,” Brian said, putting the magazine back down and picking up his beer again.

“Yeah, go ahead.” Andy wanted him to take them now. He didn’t even think he could look at them again without feeling like Brian would know what he was doing.

Brian sighed thoughtfully. “I do feel pretty amazing though. You know what I’d like to do, right now?” Brian asked with bright, eager eyes. Andy had to shift so Brian couldn’t tell what those words did to him. “I want to drive all the way to Shermer right now and T.P. that goddamn library. Or piss in Vernon’s office. God, I just want to get back at everyone who made our lives miserable in high school. Vernon, the football team, your da…” Brian stopped himself, realizing he went too far.

Andy shook his head. “It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, man.”

“Nah. Fuck that guy.” Andy said.

Brian looked like he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to think that was funny, which Andy found hilarious. Soon they were both laughing, but Andy was laughing way, way harder, and Brian stopped but Andy just kept laughing, and Brian looked worried and asked “Dude are you okay?” but he kept going and his stomach ached and something else started to rise up out of him and he tried to stop it but he heard himself say “Can I tell you a secret?” and he wanted to pull it back into his mouth but it was already out there.

Brian blinked. “Yeah, of course.”

Andy wanted to pretend he never said anything, but for some reason, he couldn’t. “I mean, if I tell you something I’ve never told anyone before, you’ll keep it to yourself, right?”

Brian gave him a deep, searching look. “Come on, Andy. You can tell me.”

Andy wanted to look away but he couldn’t. “What if I told you I might like guys?”

Brian looked startled. “What do you mean?”

The words kept coming. “What if I told you that sometimes I think about guy’s bodies and stuff?”

Brian’s face shifted from surprised to annoyed. “What is this ‘what if’? Is that what you’re telling me, Andy? And what about, like, Allison?”

“Allison?” What did she have to do with this?

“Didn’t you guys…”

Andy frowned. “Yeah, we did. But… I honestly don’t know, okay? I don’t know, Brian. I’ve been having these feelings, and it’s fucking weird and I don’t know what to do. I mean, I don’t feel like a different person. I don’t feel like a fa—“

“You don’t have to say it,” Brian snapped.

They sat there in silence. Andy was starting to feel dizzy, and oh God couldn’t Brian just say something?

Without warning, Brian got up and left the room. Andy felt sick to his stomach. What the hell did he do? Maybe it was the beer talking, but God, he really thought he could trust Brian. And then he just left. Andy started shaking, and he couldn’t stand anymore. He had to lie down or he was actually going to be sick.

He must have been laying there for ten minutes just thinking about what a giant fuck up he was when there was a knock on the door. Andy forced himself up to answer it. And there was Brian, with a giant shit-eating grin on his face, panting like he had just run to Shermer and back.

“Well, are you going to let me in?” he asked. Andy just stood there dumbstruck while Brian walked over to his radio and put something in the cassette deck. A familiar song started to play. Brian sat down on Andy’s bed and patted the spot next to him so that Andy would join him.

“What is this?” Andy asked.

“Under Pressure,” Brian answered.

“Oh. Right, I knew that.” Why was he always so dumb?

Brian smiled. “Well, do you know who sings it?”

“No.” Obviously not.

“David Bowie and Freddie Mercury.”

“Brian, I don’t understand.”

“Okay, well first of all, they’re like the two most awesome people ever,” Brian said, which made Andy smile. He always thought those posters in Brian’s room were his roommate’s. Why didn’t he ever ask? “But more importantly, they’re both bisexual.”

“Bisexual?”

“It means being attracted to both men and women.”

“Oh.”

“See, it’s not always a one or the other thing. So maybe you are attracted to guys, but you still like girls, and you’re bisexual. Or maybe you really do just like guys and all the girls you went out with were because you thought you had to. Maybe you’re gay like me. But you don’t have to figure that out now. You’ll know when you’re ready to know.”

Andy’s head was spinning but one thing stood out clearer than anything else. “You’re gay?”

“Yeah. I don’t really talk about it much, but I figured you wouldn’t judge me.”

“No.” Andy shook his head but he was smiling. They listened to the rest of the song until it faded out, and Andy got up and hit stop. He opened the deck to give it to him, but Brian shook his head.

“Nah, you keep it.”

“Thanks, man.” Andy closed the deck but didn’t hit play again. He sat back down next to Brian and tried to absorb everything that had just happened. So many things that he had learned about Brian over the years clicked into place. Not all of his thoughts made him feel better, though. “Hey, Brian?” Andy said nervously.

“Yeah?”

“The flare gun…”

“Yeah…?” Brian asked, though he seemed to already know what the question was.

Andy asked it anyway. “Did that have anything to do with this?”

“Yeah, a little bit.” He looked scared for a second, and then he laughed. “But it was mostly that fucking elephant.” Andy didn’t think it was funny. “Why? Have you ever thought about it?”

Andy didn’t say anything.

“Andy?”

Still nothing.

“Andy! Tell me!”

“No.” Andy lied. “Not… in a long time.”

Brian grabbed Andy’s hand. “You can’t”

“I know.”

“You can’t!” Brian squeezed his hand.

“You can’t either.” Andy squeezed back.

“I won’t.”

“Okay.”

They just stayed there, not moving, grasping their hands together as if letting go would make them disappear forever.

…

Andy woke up scrunched on one side of his bed with a sweaty palm. It was still dark out, but Brian was rummaging around the room, trying to gather his stuff.

“What time is it?” Andy asked in a tired voice.

“Uh, it’s 4:00,” Brian answered. “I just thought I should get out of here now, before anyone gets the wrong idea.”

Andy shrugged. “Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”

Brian looked annoyed. “Okay, well. I’ll see you later, then.” Brian left, and Andy tried to go back to sleep, wondering why his stomach felt so unsettled.

When he woke again it was a little after ten. His head ached, and his stomach felt like it was trying to eat him from the inside out. Worst of all, he had this feeling like everything was different, and it took him a moment to remember why.

Andy groaned, and tried not to knock over the beer bottles that were still scattered on the floor as he got dressed. He practically crawled his way to the dining hall, where Sam and Derek were already eating. He got himself a plate of waffles. Each bite fell heavy into his stomach.

Brian showed up a few minutes later. Andy gave him a smile so small that only Brian could see, but Brian didn’t smile back.

“Hey, Johnson! Rough night?” Sam asked.

“Yeah. I had a little too much to drink and then tried to study. _Not_ a good combination,” Brian laughed in a disgusting, fake laugh.

Derek didn’t seem to notice. “You must have been drinking with Clark. He had more than a little too much.”

“Uh, yeah.” Andy mumbled. “Me and Brian…”

Andy looked up to see Brian giving him a look that tore right through him. At first Andy thought Brian didn’t want him to accidentally give anything away, but then he looked closer and realized that look meant “Forget about last night. It never happened.”

Andy barely made it to the bathroom before he became sick.

…

Andy didn’t see Brian for the next two days. He was barely used to going two hours without seeing him, let alone two days. Brian wasn’t there when he went to eat, and he never knocked on Andy’s door to see what he was doing. He didn’t even get to see him at practice because it was cancelled that day.

Andy was curled up in bed trying to get his stomach to stop screaming at him when there was a desperate knock on his door. He didn’t want to get up, didn’t care who it was, but they just would not stop knocking.

Brian was standing in front of him, reeking of alcohol, with a bleeding lip. “What the hell?” Andy demanded. Brian pushed past him. “Seriously, what the fuck? Brian! What the fuck?!”

Brian still didn’t answer. Andy grabbed his arm. “Hey!”

“I was at a bar!” Brian snapped.

“Fuck. On a Monday?” He looked Brian right in the eyes, thinking that he would turn away, but Brian stared right back.

“Yes. On a Monday!”

“What the hell were you thinking?” Andy asked.

“It was the gay bar downtown…” Brian said, not really answering.

“Shit. Did some guy do this to you, Brian?” He finally looked away from Brian’s eyes so that he could scan his body to see if his clothes were rumpled, or worse, ripped. But he seemed fine, other than his lip.

“No. I mean kind of. I’m fine though.” Brian seemed to want that to be the end of it, but Andy stared at him until he explained. “I was sitting at the bar, and this guy was hitting on me. When I told him no, he kind of gave me a little shove, and my lip hit my beer bottle. That’s all; it was my fault, really.”

Andy was seeing red. “Take me back there, I’ll fucking kill him!” His hands were clenched in such a tight fist that his nails were digging into his hand.

“Andy, stop! I’ve never seen you like this,” Brian said, putting one hand on his shoulder. Andy shook it off. “Actually, I have. When you were defending Claire from Bender. Well, I’m not Claire, I don’t need you to defend me.”

“Yes you do!” Andy shouted.

“Andy! Calm down! Now, or I’m leaving.” Brian pointed at Andy’s bed. Andy sat down, and put his head in his hands. Brian sat next to him.

Andy sat there, breathing slowly. “What the hell were you doing there, Bri?” he asked in a voice barely above a whisper.

“I thought I wanted to find someone to hook up with, but then I realized I couldn’t.” Brian said.

Andy looked at him. “Why?”

Brian looked back. “Why couldn’t I do it?”

“No.” Andy shook his head. “Why did you want to?”

Brian was silent for a moment. “Because I thought I wanted to get over someone, but I realized I couldn’t do that either.”

Andy’s heart skipped a beat. “Who?”

Brian opened his mouth to answer, but he couldn’t. The words just hung in the air between them, but Andy knew what he wanted to say. He moved closer to Brian, and placed one hand on his shoulder. They were both breathing heavily. He reached his other hand up, running his fingertips over Brian’s neck, but before he could tangle his fingers in Brian’s hair and pull him in for a kiss, Brian put his hands on Andy’s chest and shoved him away. “Andy, stop.”

“What? You were just about to tell me that you like me,” Andy said.

Brian shook his head. “I know, but that doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters,” Andy protested.

 “Okay, but it’s not the only thing that matters.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Andy asked, holding back tears. Brian looked like he was doing the same.

“If I still looked like I did in high school, would you have recognized me?”

“What?”

“I said, if I still looked like I did in high school, would you have recognized me?”

“Brian, I _didn’t_ recognize you.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.  If I was still that skinny brain, would you remember that day when I told you and Claire and Allison and Bender more than I’ve ever told anyone in my life? Would I even be ‘some guy’ from your high school? Or would I just be another anonymous nobody that you wouldn’t even notice?

Andy tried to say the right words but he couldn’t make them come out.

“You don’t even like me for me. You just like me ‘cause you think I turned into you.” Brian turned to leave. Andy tried to reach out for him, but he was too late, and just like that Brian was out the door and just… gone. He wanted to call out after him, but he still had no words, and his jaw clenched shut.

…

Andy had never felt worse in his life. Somehow, he had managed to come out to the guy he liked, and be rejected by him in a span of two days. If his father could see him now... Andy didn’t know if he would disown him or just tell him it was his fault for being a fucking twisted pervert.

Unlike those first two days after Brian fell asleep in his bed, seeing each other was unavoidable. Or at least, it was for Brian. Andy would have been happy to actually talk to him, but when Brian saw him at lunch or practice, he just looked away, never acknowledging that he was there. When Derek asked what happened between them, Andy lied. “I don’t even know.”

Brian knew Andy saw him though, that he was always looking. When someone told a joke, he’d laugh unnaturally. And when he told Sam to come over to study on Friday because his roommate was going home for the weekend, he spoke loudly enough that Andy could hear it.

When Friday night rolled around, Andy found himself alone in his room, trying not to touch the six-pack sitting next to him that he knew he could easily finish by himself that night. His stomach ached at the idea of Brian and Sam alone in Brian’s room. It didn’t matter that Sam was straight, Andy kept picturing them doing the things he wanted to be doing with Brian. He should have been the one over there.

He wanted to call Brian, ask him to talk. Tell him that he got his exam back, and he passed. Ask him what was going on with him. But he never had to call Brian before. He was always just there.

Andy turned over in his bed, and noticed his radio. Brian’s tape was still in the cassette deck. He wondered if their friendship effectively being over meant that he should give it back. Or maybe he could just throw it out.

Not yet sure which one he was actually going to do, Andy stood up and took the tape out of the deck.

He realized that he had never actually looked at it before, because to his surprise the front of the cassette said “For Andy,” with a sloppily drawn heart next to it.

He started shaking. He didn’t know. He had no idea.

Andy put the tape back in the deck and hit play. The last few notes of “Under Pressure” faded out, and were followed by “Into the Groove.” Andy laughed, and then despite himself started crying. Brian had remembered that moment they had shared a whole month ago.

Andy listened for close to an hour. The first half was all songs that had to do with some kind of joke they shared, including “In the Air Tonight,” which meant that Brian must have spent all day on Friday making this mix for Andy.

The rest of the songs on the mix hit Andy even harder, because they didn’t have any shared moments that went with them. They were just songs that Brian thought Andy would like. Songs that he heard that immediately made him think of Andy.

When it got to the last song, “We Belong,” by Pat Benatar, Andy totally lost it. The first lines were “Many times I tried to tell you, many times I cried alone,” and Andy knew, he just knew, that even before he came out to Brian, he was thinking about telling Andy how he felt.

Andy didn’t even finish listening to the song. He just ran as fast as he could to Brian’s room, praying the whole time that Sam wasn’t still there, or worse, that Brian hadn’t gone back to that creepy bar.

Andy pounded on the door until a startled Brian opened it. “Andy?”

“Is Sam here?” Andy asked, looking around.

Brian looked confused. “No. He… left.”

And with that, a dam broke in Andy and all the words he wanted to say all week came pouring out. “Brian, I don’t like you ‘cause I think you are just like me. I couldn’t stand it if you were. I don’t really like me very much. I wish I could prove to you how damn much I like you. I wish you knew how many times I wondered why someone like you would want to be friends with me.  I wish you knew how many times I thought about how brilliant and talented you are, and how lucky I am to be near you.  And I wish you knew how many times I thought, ‘God, you’re so beautiful,” with your hair, and your eyes, and your lips, and you were beautiful in high school too and I was just too scared to see it, but I really wish I did because I think I would be a lot happier if I had liked you a lot sooner.”

Brian stood there dumbstruck for a moment, then smiled, “I think you proved it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.” Brian reached out and cupped a hand around Andy’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss. He pressed his lips against Andy’s, and Andy pressed back. Andy tried to be gentle because Brian’s lip was still swollen, but Brian didn’t care. He pulled Andy closer and kissed him harder.

Andy unwittingly let out a small sob that was muffled by Brian’s mouth, but he could still feel it go through his body. Brian pulled back.

“Oh God, Andy. I never should have said those things. I should have known. I should have…” Brian was cut off when Andy lunged for his mouth again, drowning him in another kiss. He pulled himself closer, as close as possible, so that his whole chest was pressed against Brian’s body. Maybe if he pulled himself close enough he could be completely present, wouldn’t have to think about anything but this kiss, wouldn’t have to think about…

But suddenly he was feeling all the things he wouldn’t let himself feel the last few days. The panic from coming out to Brian, the fear of losing him forever… the terror of what his teammates, or, oh God, his dad would think about what they were doing right now. Tears started streaming down Andy’s face, and his head found Brian’s shoulder and he sobbed while Brian whispered, “It’s okay, Baby.”

Andy cried until he couldn’t stand anymore, and Brian pulled him into his bed, crawled in behind him, and wrapped his arms around him, and Andy sobbed and sobbed, and Brian kissed his neck until they both fell asleep.

…

When Andy woke up, Brian’s arms were still around him. He rolled over carefully and pressed his face into Brian’s t-shirt, which was a little damp with sweat from Brian holding him so tightly all night.

Brian began to stir, so Andy lifted his head to kiss him on the lips. “Hey, you,” he said, smiling.

“Hey,” Brian beamed back. “Can we talk about what happened last night?”

“You mean you kissing me?”

“Well, that was really nice…” Brian smiled for a second, “but I meant…”

“Yeah, I know.” Andy couldn’t look Brian in the eye, so he just traced absent-minded patterns on Brian’s chest. “I’m just… I’m really scared. I mean, it doesn’t change the fact that I really like you, and I want to be with you, but honestly, Brian, I’m terrified. I’m not ready for our teammates, or my dad, to find out about this. I’m only just starting to figure things out myself.”

Brian grasped Andy’s hands between his, and when Andy finally looked up he said, “I know. It’s scarier than anything we’ve ever done before, but it’s going to be okay.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because we’re going to do it together.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you redweathertiger, my amazing beta.


End file.
